The Collective

So it was predetermined, I’ll be in Seoul for a while.

The experience of being immersed in a culture in which you appear to belong, and yet are mentally and emotionally so unfamiliar with, has claimed me.  I definitely feel the need to adapt.  I feel lucky that I’m a human and not an ant or wasp of some sort.  

And at the same time I wonder, if I was a social insect, would it be that much easier?  And is easier better?  And how different are we?

On one side, you can argue as Darwin so boldly stated that without coherence, nothing is effected.  My best pal ever (Mr. Ryu) recently sent me an article regarding homoduplex.  Basically Jibba Jabba for we can be both Profane (instinctual and self serving) or Sacred (separated and elevated).  It was fascinating, especially living in S. Korea where Christianity is the dominant institution.  It basically compared the religious experience to going to a rave.  

On the other hand, the rise in independent thinking is impossible to contain.  

The effects of social isolation sound ridiculously horrible.  According to a study done in the University of Illinois, some psychological damage that can result include aggression, anxiety and memory impairment.  To be fair, the symptoms sound similar to what happened to me when I was in a metal band, but these tests were done on unwilling mice, so it’s probably a lot more sound than my experiences as a 16 year-old.  Still, I can’t stop believing humans need interaction.  And that the synergy that indubitably overwhelms logic is an adaptation.  Part of our genetic code. Part of how and why we exist. 

You can say I’ve adopted the Eastern medicine mentality that isn’t fond of drugging every slight ailment.  So rather than wolfing down prescribed drugs to ‘treat’ these residual consequences of suddenly moving, I’m trying to shift my paradigm.  There is a breaking point for the mentally and emotionally weak.  Isn’t it beautiful that strength can be a result of failure?  

The feeling of being alone can be such a gift. It’s allowed me to be more introspective and desperate for the care of what I hope and pray to be a loving, hospitable entity that balances the universe somehow.  And the only time I’ve felt this transcendence is when I was begging him to illuminate the path for me. Well, he did say those who seek him will find him.

Our producer told my band once, there are sounds that humans are innately fond of.  Motifs that demand attention.  It is his, and my firm belief, that this was not created by man, rather, it is honed.  The sounds were available in this universe.  The frequencies were there this entire time.  It’s about time to give credit where credit is due.

Thinking positively, remembering that I’m not alone and knowing I’m lucky for every single thing in my life is all that anyone of us can do.  So I guess I’m rather glad I’m a human and not a bug.

Fighting

 

I saw you bent and broken, hopeless, filled with doubt.

Moving in slow motion, searching for someway out.

 

You cried,

I am more than a witness

I am more than a victim

I am more than a witness

Who are you?

 

I’ll be fighting

I won’t quit when my body is dying

Ill keep fighting, I’ll keep fighting for you

 

I panicked, the tears were flowing, took me by surprise

I gave to you, the only gift I could, I promised you I’d fight

 

 

And he said,

I am more than a witness

I am more than a victim,

And I deserve more than this

So do you.

 

 

Because when I looked into your eyes I saw the light, screaming out inside, begging for some way to feel alive

Yeah I looked into your eyes and saw my life, shining through the night, telling me that I could make it right.

Just Do It

Click for some Hope.

I’ve been doing pretty well. I’m talking about my new year’s resolutions. I’ve been checking my posture, I haven’t lost a single thing in Korea since I’ve gotten here and I’ve been training like crazy with my band. I forgot one thing though.

Persistent gratitude.

It’s not something that I want to be innate. I know it takes work. But I’d at least like it to become more of a habit. And I always thought I was pretty grateful, and extremely expressive of it as well.

I was complaining about being a bit exhausted today because I pushed my limits a bit on vocal and bass training. I even recorded a new song, cleaned the house and organized my hard drive in an improved, maintainable fashion. I decided to take a break and check out my Facebook, a medium which I’ve been, for a lack of better words, quite afraid of lately.

Media is taking over this universe, and frankly it’s not one that at first appears to be for the better. Did you know the average user spends over 11 hours on Facebook a month? Imagine if you spent 11 hours a month. doing something constructive towards your career. The opportunity cost is ridiculous; not only is the time spent wasted, it’s detrimental. I’d agree that the net gain of Facebook is negative. Then again I love ice cream.

I was reminded of the persistence of good and hope when I fell into this article. Social media is being utilized for everything. Even hope.

This article definitely tugs at my heartstrings because of a personal experience. When I was in high school a good friend of mine named Elizabeth Shuffer asked me to a dance, to which I graciously obliged. She was a Leukemia patient as well with dreams of going to UCLA and more than anything just a genuine, honest person. She passed away before we could all graduate high school or go to the dance. I can say that tears well up and I’m overcome with emotion when I remember the way I broke down at the funeral. When I remember how much it hurt to let go.

If you care about anything that I write then please take the time to check out this article and take action whether it be sending the link around to other possible donors and/or registering yourself.

God Bless you.

Happy Belated New Years

Stand up straight Mr. Burns!

I’ve decided that this year I will be more active on social media. I am preparing to leave to S. Korea on January 10th. As I’ve been packing my belongings, I’ve realized a number of things I’ve looked past in the past and so I’ve decided to keep myself accountable instead of stressing out too much about it now.

Three days later than they should’ve been set, here are my New Year’s Resolutions. (I actually planned them before but writing things down always helps me feel as if I’ve made a contract, with myself. That way I can sue myself for some big bones later on).

1) I’m going to fix my posture this year.

Truth be told, my nickname was once Mr. Burns. If you don’t know who he is, look to the top of this particular post. He stands hunched over with his hands perched as if he was a velociraptor, or some kind of bipedal reptile. No offense, I like most animals. I’d say 99% of all animals are enjoyable, however that doesn’t mean I want to LOOK like all of them. I’ve already taken the initiative. I’ve placed a daily workout link in my Safari Bookmarks tab. And as I sit hunched over typing my new years resolution (numero uno) into this screen, I can’t help but think of how humorous it was when my best amigo Charles told me that he was actually reading an article on how to run faster.

2) I will be more responsible with my belongings.

I’ve been told that speaking life into intentions makes it that much more plausible. and I hope you know that this does not limit my belongings to the physical realm, but also the digital, emotional and spiritual. This all happened because last night I lost my Brown Coach Wallet somewhere between a Chick-Fil-A, Ralph’s Redbox and my car. Being more responsible entails not only recognizing when something is missing immediately, but also taking precautionary measures to ensure the safety and protection of that or those objects. Luckily I used last year to understand that relationship is most important, beyond all, and I was able to find myself being grateful for the things I had. Unfortunately I want to drive when I’m in Korea, and my schedule is now in full blown ‘why are you blogging instead of at the DMV’ mode. Could be worse, but could be prevented. (stay appreciative…)

3) I will Chart My Band.

Royal Pirates. I will definitely be busting my ass to prepare for our debut this year. And I know the other guys will be doing so as well. I want to thank the fans for all the support you’ve given us. I am preparing to move to my mother country. Iam embarking on a journey which will mark my 20′s. and I intend to give it my all.

I plan on blogging once a month or so, but sometimes twice or so (depending on my schedule). Thanks for everything so far. The more love you give, the more you receive. The more goals you set, the more goals you’ll achieve. Do it.

How?

How can I ever repay you? How? When you gave me your world?

All that satiates me is knowing I am unworthy.

All that breathes lies and waits.

And all else cries disdain.

I still taste the glue on the envelopes of letters you sent, desperate to save the taste of your lips.

Can You Take Me?

It feels like I’ve waited for days to hear your voice
Time is ticking away; the most musical noise
Could you hurry a little please, I’m already on my knees

I want to fly away to outer space, set the stars ablaze where the angels play, Can you take me, Can you save me

Your smile is haunting me, it’s all that I dream of
But if that’s alright with you, I don’t want to wake up
Because I can’t get my mind off you, you’ve got me waiting here like a fool..

I’ve got a million words on the tip of my tongue, but when I open my mouth it’s like they get up and run, Can you take me

It’s been so long since I confessed how I felt
I never got to tell you everything
Even though you left, I don’t believe we’re dead, and every night I search the skies for you to come and tell me we’re alive

Every time I close my eyes I swear I feel you by my side

stop giving up. you were meant to be loved.

There is a strong underlying theme in all of the songs I’ve been writing lately. Bluntly, I’ve been very depressed lately. A lot of bull shit has been trying to bring me down. I have been motivated and propelled forward by the gravity of hope and faith. I’d like to share this with anyone who has been having a difficult time on this backwards journey we call life.

-Stop giving up-
It’s been a whie since I’ve seen your smile
Hoping for more, but dressed in denial
You are the only one who knows
You are the only one, alone

So you call it a day, start over again
Stop giving up. Stop giving up
There’s another way to feel again

I understand the nightmare you dream
Its more than just pictures lit onto a screen
You are awake inside alone
You are attached unto your home

Just give it your all
And ill be the one to catch you fall

-You were meant to be loved-

You’re just another victim, overwhelmed by everything. You want to go back now.
Its just another lesson to be learned by where we’ve been. I’ve got you figured out
Stop lying, there’s a reason to believe.
Keep fighting, you are more than what you seem.

Because you were meant to be loved.
What the hell can I call mine, if you’re not in my life.

Give it another attempt, step away from who you’re not. You’re wholly beautiful.
I swear it. You were made for greater things, you are everything to me.

Have faith dear keep going.
Pain is overwhelming. Hope is near it’s coming.
After all the strain you’ll stand and finally find yourself again.

Rant

haha

I woke up today extremely depressed. Nightmares that I’d forgotten foreshadowed a dismal day comprised mostly of self refraction and clustering my thoughts in hopes a solution would pop out, kind of like smashing a Rubik’s cube into the ground, hoping the colors would align themselves with the perfect concoction of frustration and bitterness. All quite ironic because I’d just presented to the world and myself what I’d deduced as the formula for happiness (See previous post [still applicable]). The appropriation of emotional capacity varies, but I’d like to believe relativity bridges empathy from individual plight. I am human. Reiterating never felt so rote.

I want to believe in so many things. I’ve dictated my actions by the philosophy that if something is truly desired, it will be achieved. It’s ironic how somebody, somewhere can ride opposing rhetoric through and through, even if that somebody is the invisible, ego murderous, iridescent, self destructive conscience that strives for no reason other than to sustain itself. Jargon for I’m a schizophrenic. Not literally, but quite practically. I guess it helps sustain me as an artist; musings were never this cheap. I feel like I’m shop-lifting. I can see how thievery can take a toll on one’s mental/health.

Finding a rock to depend on is a challenge. And definitely unfair to the rock. Does the worth of any objectified matter substantiate through social recognition? Yes. Is that a price I’m willing to pay? It doesn’t matter. To everyone else, that is.

How exactly do you sell your soul? Is it something that we can sell away accidentally? In the end, who is the buyer? Who profits most?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not intend to whine about societal standards being overbearing. Life is simple in itself. We only need to eat, sleep and reproduce to persevere as creatures. But as sentient human beings that idealistically seek self worth… When does one lose oneself?

When it’s too late.

Pursue humility. Seek Truth. Execute authenticity.

Cheer up Chingoo

I need to shorten my posts. Make ‘em more blog friendly.

As I stuffed my second In-n-out burger down the hatch, I sat still, emphatically stunned and deconstructively empowered by the words I’d just vomited- I’d found a template for happiness. Ironically it was in a salty, fat saturated booth we (my best friend) and I clearly defined what it was that fed the pure, Listerine clean ambitious pursuit of satiation. In a world saturated with abandonment issues, self-destructive tendencies and one-dimensional archetypes assigned by media, there is a not-so-clear goal that perseveres constant. Upon perusing my own spectrum of emotional capacity, I’ve come to the temporary conclusion that formulaic methods are available to achieve a standard of contentment that is, at the very least, desirable. Are you where you want to be? Moreover, do you remember the last time you were happy to just be alive?

There are numerous methods to approach this sense of enlightenment. As a religiously confused individual myself, I’ve left the door open to several options. It is my honest belief that no bridges should be burnt and in my current uncommitted state of being I feel I would be denying myself the opportunity to learn more if I decried a particular lifestyle in the pool of options I’ve assembled. I try to stick to morally righteous paths – I suppose I can thank my militant uncle for instilling a sense of virtue in myself with years of physical discipline and repetitive etiquette with simple rewards that have consecrated and concreted my conscience as the senate, my mentality being the field of play, and my heart being a persuasive lobbyist. Simply put, I am open to different practices because of my personal experiences. But I’m not interested in your pyramid scheme. Or your satanic cult. [link forgone as to minimize possible repercussion]

I’ve found many people delve into religion because of a void. Destitution. It offers purpose. Facts of faith, instant companions and hope. Kind of like Obama hope, but generated within oneself rather than pop art and trendy rap anthems.

The times I feel/I’ve felt most alive can be attributed to a few things. In order to get by until I am hit with a greater truth, I’ve categorized what inspires me to enjoy life into three different components – First is Physical and mental nourishment. This can be achieved a number of ways, however the end result is the same. When the vessel is lacking sustenance, its ability to thrive is hindered, though maturity may result. Appropriate allocation of nutrients is absolutely essential as gluttony can lead to devolution of the flesh and mind. Second is an abundant wealth of love. I am lucky enough to have been blessed with a family that resonates love as well as the knowledge and understanding that it is pure and human. This one is a bit harder to come across for the majority of people to understand. Parenting never seemed more confusing. The important thing to realize, however, is it doesn’t matter what happened to each and every one of us; all that holds true is we’ve been handed circumstances and it is up to us to interpret challenges and produce positive, beneficial results for ourselves. No one else will. Professor Pausch stated, “You can’t change the cards you’ve been dealt; just how you play the hand.”

The last pillar to my method of malleable content is reciprocity of the love you receive. As long as you have somewhere to invest yourself into so you can observe the effects of your influence, it will acknowledge your sense of being. Whether it be your family, spouse or whatever the source of love that you’ve encountered is, knowing your worth is an integral part to living happily. It is important to remember not to objectify any of the pillars. It will vandalize your efforts; repetition is repetition is key.

In ‘Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs*’, Chuck Klosterman almost miserably vilifies pop culture as the demonic reason why people in this day and age cannot revel in true love. His ‘fake’ love is described as the reason no real woman could ever fall in love with a real man, vice versa. His argument is undoubtedly a valid philosophy, the context being well worth the read. Media does play into every factor of our lives. I particularly enjoyed his opinion on reality television’s detriment to the societal partitioned typecasting that has trickled down through narcotizing consumers, which is either directly or inadvertently all of us.

However I guess you could say I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. One of the points Chuck brings up is how Woody Allen has created the assumption that there is something profound about having a relationship based on ‘witty conversation and intellectual discourse.’ He also discusses how his approach to banging a chick is completely contrived. To reduce the experience of absorbing and maturing and growing to a goal as simple as that is lax, negligent at best. The process of creating a relationship doesn’t end at learning about each other, rather, it begins. It is at the twilight of the honeymoon stage that partners in a relationship prepare to experience new things, life together. I’d say his application is hypocritical if happiness rooted in love is the objective. But then again I believe in choice. Although his perspective is his perspective, I definitely respect that amount of insight on anything. I may be a sucker to the archetype, but I’ve found my sense of fulfillment. Either way he’s succeeded by selling me his book, which is extremely entertaining. Thanks chuck, cheer up.

I believe in love, fleeting or not. Maybe because I am a fool, but you can’t argue with ignorance. Still I am content and committed to my blueprint. I am excited to feel and see and hear and just sense the evolution of my disposition and psyche.

Remember- life/success is a work in progress.

You inspire my gut. You make me so happy.

Regeneration

I’ve’nt felt this alive in a long, long time. 64, 65, 68, 64, 62, 63, I am positive this week is going to be beautiful, just like you.

Trying times seem endless. My car broke down recently and I was stranded at my sister’s delightfully adorned condo where I was able to watch television for hours on end in a visually spectacularly and aurally tumultuous fashion, particularly because her high definition 60 some inch plasma screen was the first television I watched for the purpose of watching in years. As I watched the news I couldn’t help but feel shocked at the stark contrast from station to station. I know we cannot live in fear, but it certainly isn’t difficult to find new ways to be afraid with all new cancers and danger signs we are being programmed to fend ourselves from. It’s not just the warnings that are alarming, it’s that there is garbage being spewed on television that I am convinced specific demographics of media consumers believe to be news rather than trashy entertainment. It’s all a game, an attempt to find new advertisers to fit niche markets, but people’s world view’s are being developed and torn down and the methodology behind it all is driven by a 16-wheeler with a front loader ready to impale, replace and and reconstruct any counter-conducive influences. It is depressing, regressing, but refreshing as well (do you like how I rhymed that?) because while we thrive retaining our neanderthalic tendencies, (i apologize to any neanderthals out there..) we are at least diversifying, as well as improving, technology and ideologies.

As we look further and further outwards of our own existence we look for holiness in other places. Someone, anything to answer questions. But with exponential technological advances, some have looked inwards, into cells, ions. In this I find the seed of hope. It’s really true when you hear people say it’s the small things that count. Cliches can be so useful, not only because they are typically true but because you know someone out there has gone through what you’ve. The small things. The seemingly meaningless things to the casual passerby, the driving force behind valuing existence and appreciation of the finer things in life. A notion. The quintessence of underrated.

I ran across a bible quote recently. A friend. Romans 12:2 – Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed to the renewing of your mind. That’s not the entire quote as it concludes with the typical biblical clause of ‘and worship’ or ‘and praise’ or ‘god loves’ or etc. It might seem rude to some that I’ve categorized it this way and I do apologize as I don’t mean it to be offensive. But beyond all of the biological, physical ailments we suffer, perhaps the medication to ailments we need to cure the most come from within (and/or God, wherever he is). A grain of salt, perspective is everything, you are welcome to your own opinion as I am my own. But in a world where almost everything we are force fed is bull shit, it would be good to remind ourselves that time and time again ulterior motives are oft the root of superficial productivity. To truly understand and live we must renew, regenerate ourselves. Question ourselves. But don’t hate it. Don’t hate the exhaustion from your cardiovascular to the pulsating, advil demanding neurons. Open your heart, breathe and live. This is how you cope; When the words that meant everything dissolve to dust and when the world is crumbling all around you – this is how you continue. I wish I could show you.

Excuse the Rant. Heartbreak breeds creativity. Beauty in the breakdown.